"SATAN HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR"

the hell with all of this. these past few days really got me thinking; quiet moments alone in my room, in the bus, or basically anywhere that i’m sane enough, gets me pondering on things. things that are a a bit childish in nature, but most of the time too mature for me to handle. this freaky moment in time happens especially during CLE time. the question thrown at us was a huge blow on my part.

it’s just this constant overload of things really gets me crazy. it’s a constant overload of stress which honestly is something i really don’t need, but i can’t seem to avoid. it’s school-related stress. teachers don’t give a damn. almost none of them seems approachable enough to have a decent conversation with. and frankly, i don’t think they would even understand.

it’s friends. i would love to be there for them all the time; knowing what to say; giving the best possible advice, but it’s just, i can only do so much. and it pains me to see them like that, realizing that i have no clue on what to do and don’t know how to deal with it.

it’s the absurd amount of pressure people put on me; loads more on the amount that i put on myself. i try to do so much, but the fact of the matter is, that i simply can’t do it all. maybe it’s still the leftover baggage from last year; the feeling of being useless and unwanted, it’s slowly creeping in again.

THIS IS SOOOOO WHATEVER. 

i don’t like feeling like this. it’s making it harder for me to wake up everyday, and actually having the will to wake up. it’s making it harder for me to laugh mindlessly about things. it’s making it me harder for me to enjoy the things i usually enjoy. it’s stupid i know. maybe i’m just tired. then again, maybe the pain’s all real, and i’m having a hard time accepting it. 

- - “sooner or later , we have to put aside our denial, and face the world, head on, guns blazin’. denial. it’s not just a river in Egypt; it’s a freakin’ ocean, so how do you keep from drowning in it?”  ~ Merideth Grey.

seriously.